It was a year ago today I started I Can See Better Through the Fog. Since the blog’s inception I have went on dates with nearly thirty men, had my first kiss, came out as gay, lost my virginity, reevaluated and redefined my desire for physical intimacy, settled into my new home of San Francisco, began volunteering at an elementary school, tutored ESL students, transformed this blog first into a storytelling medium, and then into a podcast with 46 posts published, had two fleeting relationships, lost an aunt, lost a grandmother, went to numerous concerts, including Radiohead, Neil Young, and Jack White, fell in love the Castro Theater and its retrospective screenings, walked much of the city, reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and grew out of others. It was truly a busy year filled with a spectrum of different experiences and emotions. In an attempt to acknowledge the personal progress I’ve made over the past year, I am returning to my first post.
Here is a narrated reposting of my first entry from a year ago entitled “Green”:
Andrew Bird covers It Ain’t Easy Being Green on the new Muppet movie soundtrack. I hadn’t really thought too much about the lyrics until I heard him sing them. They’re more profound and deep than you would think, considering we’d always heard those words coming from a neurotic green puppet known for his high pitched voice.
In the most literal sense, the meaning behind the song, originally penned by songwriter Joe Raposo (who coincidentally also wrote “C is for Cookie” and the theme to Sesame Street), is about finding self acceptance and self worth.
After hearing Bird’s cover, I couldn’t help but think of another reading of the song. It’s not easy being new, unripened, inexperienced. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and often times isolating. For me, when I’m green, it can be paralyzing. I want and expect to know everything and be great at something from the get-go. But more times than not, that is not possible to do in a new profession, a new environment, a new life. In Bird’s interpretation of the song, I hear a voice telling those who are wet behind the ears to accept it. “When green is all there is to be, it could make you wonder why, but why wonder why…I am green and it’ll do fine.” As someone bound for new journeys into social, romantic, and career realms, I am bound to be green once again. I must be courageous enough to accept it so I can overcome paralysis and get enough experience to ripen.
As I sit back and reflect on the past year’s journey, I recognize “green” is how I felt August 25, 2011. I still feel “green” in many areas of my life. I every so often need to remind myself that experiences, from the difficult to the enthralling, have ripened me, and made me more comfortable in my own skin.
I am aware that in my human nature I desire something beyond what I am and what I have. In the past year I have come to reaffirm the key to moving to “the beyond” is to accept whatever color I am now as just fine. I am sure one year from now, another color I will be.